Thursday, December 19, 2013

The Posts You Never Publish

I wrote on Wednesday about some things you wouldn't know about me if you just read my blog. But, it tended towards surface. They were all truth. But not heart. Here is the stuff that rarely-if ever-sees the light of day on my blog. Sometimes it is simply showing discretion. Sometimes it is because of the tenor of my blog. Sometimes it is because of my own pride.

1. I sometimes (read-daily) yell at my kids. I hate that about myself. And I try to fight it, because I know God thundered, but He didn't yell. Still small voice.

2. The worst hour of the day for me is the one before the kids go to bed-so from 7:00-8:00. I am done  for the day with being anything that resembles a patient parent. I am done with the noise.

3. Mr. Hippie and I fight. Sometimes ugly-ugly fights. And they take my breath away. And make me wonder if this marriage thing is worth it. Because marriage is hard. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. It is a daily choosing to deny self and love another-who may irritate the crap out of you.

4. I am critical. I see things very black and white. I fight this daily also. I fight to find the good. To give the benefit of the doubt.

5. I hate willful ignorance. Especially willful spiritual ignorance. When people who claim to not believe the Bible or to believe in God just randomly pull verses and phrases out of the Bible to support their views. When people who are believers try to change what the Bible says to fit their own paradigms. When believers would rather agree with the world than with God. I am pragmatic enough to realize that certain lifestyles exist, but I don't have to like, accept or embrace them. Especially if God doesn't.

6. I struggle with depression. It is definitely a hormonal thing. There are some days when I feel like I am in a pit I can't climb out of. I bawl and am catatonic in turns. It is dark, but tends to be fairly short lived. Oh, and when I cry it is ugly. Red eyes. Blubbering. Snotty. Not pretty.

7. Traffic and crowds make me squirmy. I don't think it is a phobia. I actually think it is a reaction of my highly efficient nature. There is nothing efficient about bumper to bumper traffic or checkout lines that are 10 people long.

8. My Christianity and relationship with God is not simply window dressing in my life. It is my foundation. My pole star. I will never-ever apologize for that.

9. I am a fan of smart, strong women. Women who are feminine. Women who balance independence and submission well. Godly, spiritual women. I may be a closet feminist-though in it's purest form.

10. I totally live by the principle less is more. Less stuff. Less fuss. Less government. Less rules. Less medicine. Less interference. Less frills.

11. Grief is a many layered thing. It is gut wrenching. It lingers. And there are complexities that I will never write about here, (or even talk about to more than a handful of people) but that still rocked my world.

12. I don't accept compliments well-even from my husband. I feel fat and ugly compared to most people. I have a baby belly and big boobs and stretch marks and wide/long feet and a toothy smile and I've never been a size 6. In my 30s, I have finally come to feel mostly comfortable in my own skin. But, somedays I can't get over the belly and the boobs and the feet and...

Vulnerability is hard, because sometimes it shows us in all of our ugliness. Vulnerability is hard because you are taking stands-that some people may not agree with. Vulnerability is hard, but God already knows my heart. He came as a baby to redeem me. The Savior of the world. The Lamb of God. He washed me clean. He is conforming me to His image.

That's the truth...