A Broken Hallelujah

"Given the 'normal' sins of marriage, the messiness and brokenness, as difficult and wearying as it can be, we must remember that the vows exist for precisely such circumstances. You really don't need to make a vow to stick with someone in the best of times. The inclination to run doesn't exist then. It's the low times the covenant is made for." (The Mingling of Souls, Matt Chandler page 206)

Recently I was on FB, when this came across my feed...

God is good, all the time. All the time, God is good.

Some random stranger had posted that as his status. A mutual friend commented on it and thus it made its way through my newsfeed.

Another random stranger commented, "cancer in a child?"

And I had to answer.

Yes. God is good, all the time. God is faithful. God is gracious. Even when my child has cancer.

I might say it through my tears, but I still believe it with all my heart.

What if we changed that even to especially?

God is good, especially when my child has cancer. God is faithful especially when my mom's body is shutting down from ALS. God is gracious especially when my sister in law dies in a car accident, leaving a husband and three young children.

God's character is not something He takes on and off like a jacket. He is much different from us humans in this way.

God is holy (Psalm 99:9). Which encompasses much more than being without sin.

Holy is also the idea of whole, healthy, entire. God isn't kind and good one minute, and not kind and good the next minute.

The Bible says God is love (1 John 4:8). God is light (1 John 1:5). God is peace (Isaiah 9:6). God is good (Mark 10:18). God is gracious and compassionate (2 Chronicles 30:9). God is righteous (Daniel 9:14). God is merciful (Daniel 9:9). God is true (John 3:33). God is just (2 Thessalonians 1:6).

This is more than the idea of practicing these things. These things are who He is. He is the epitome, definition and manifestation of these things.

If that is true, if God's character does not change, then each attribute and characteristic is evident in each of His acts. Creation, redemption, judgement.

I don't think cancer was created by God. I do think it is allowed by God. It is a result of the fall. Universal sin. Which is why I can still see His gracious hand, kindness and goodness in these circumstances.

As a matter of fact, when we are just strolling along, and life is good, we tend to get forgetful of all the benefits and blessings that we receive from the hand of God. We aren't actively ungrateful, we are just apathetic and unaware.

But, as we paddle through deep waters, struggling to keep our heads above the flood, we feel God's gracious, sustaining, powerful right hand upholding us. He is there.

The flame shall not hurt thee, I only design, thy dross to consume and thy gold to refine.

Sometimes we feel His presence. Sometimes we see His grace and goodness in the trials.

Sometimes we can't. But, that doesn't mean that He isn't.

It is an act of faith to just keep trusting, relying on His unchanging character and person. His unfailing goodness and mercies that are new every morning.

Sometimes that act of faith is an act of complete and utter desperation.

It makes me think of the vows quote that I placed first in this post. Vows are precisely for the bad times. We don't need vows to make us stay during the good times. Vows remind us to stick it out when things are rough.

We need God's goodness all the time, but we rely on His goodness especially during the hard things...like cancer, death, loss, grief, war, strife, divorce.

I don't say this theoretically. I've lived it-especially this past year.

I still don't have a clue why my daughter lost her eye to cancer. I don't know why my upright living mom has ALS. I don't know what God is doing in these things, beyond changing me/us into the image of Christ and bringing glory to Himself.

This is a hard concept. Which is why I say it through my tears. The Holy Spirit has used Scripture to comfort me through all of this, but it was not via hearing it from others. It was as I read the Psalms, and other passages, for myself. Hearing scripture from others felt awfully like a battering ram.

Furthermore, I sat in church, and couldn't sing for several months. I'm a music girl, and I couldn't choke out the words. I just cried.

I don't know the why.

But, I do know that God is good, all the time.

And from that flows my broken hallelujah.

On Transplanting, Cancer Anniversaries and Healing

So, on the 4th of July I did my semi-annual garden weeding. This year I had co-oped the first weeding to the offspring, but I bit the bullet, and did the second (and final) weeding myself. Because ain't nobody got time for more weeding than that.

#IdRatherBeCycling

I had gotten a steal of a deal on the seedlings in the spring. Eight plants for $1.50. Which made for 16 plants at $3.00. Which made for a seriously crowded tomato patch. I think I planted 12 plants (it KILLED me to let the other four just die), which was still about four too many for my space. The plants were slowly growing, but were definitely not flourishing.

Long story short(er)...I pulled out 2 plants (and threw them away!!!), and then moved 3 plants over.

Those three plants immediately wilted.

I was really careful moving them. I kept the roots intact, and even tried to keep dirt on the roots. I buried the plants securely, and then watered. But those babies looked sick.

Very wilty. Droopy leaves. Limp limbs. Barely surviving.

Over the next few days I watered them religiously. I spoke sweet nothings in their ears. I encouraged them to take root again and grow. They'd barely perk up.

But finally they turned the corner this weekend.

They are still not as robust as they were before I messed with them, but they are looking much better. Not as much on death's door.

Hmmm...

Of course this makes me think of life.

We each go through tremendous trials. Trials that batter and shape and mark us forever.

In the urgency of the trial, people pray for us, and cry with us, and rejoice with us.

But then, life moves on. People aren't praying as much anymore. People think the situation is over and done with. Sometimes it feels like people are tired of hearing about cancer, or loss, or death, or divorce, or miscarriage, or _____.

The situation seems hopeful or healed (or at least, should be) to the outside observer, while the sufferer is still dealing with the ramifications of the journey.

Like the tomato plants.

I mean...they have roots, good soil, water, miracle grow, sunshine and rain. Sure, they were transplanted. But, really? Get over it and get flourishing.

But, what we can forget is that transplanting is a drastic measure. The bigger the plant, the more drastic it is. You practically bring the plant to the point of death in the hopes that it will bear more fruit. 

So, even with fastidious tending, it takes a long time for the plant to recover.

Today, July 11, 2017, marks the one year anniversary since Meredith's eye enucleation. And she is doing marvelously. She is getting hardier, and healthier, with each passing day.

Our family is doing well. Our outlook is really good.

But...

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever reach a point when cancer isn't my point of reference.

Sometimes I wonder if I will be able to type a blog post again without crying.

Sometimes I wonder if people are sick and tired of hearing about how this impacted us. If they are thinking...just get over it already.

Sometimes the FB memories just take and bite me in the butt.

I know that God is good and faithful all the time. And I am thankful that He brought us through this hell. But, I still have no idea what His plan in the whole thing is.

I feel like the tomato plant...perfect growing conditions, but not quite recovered yet. So even though theoretically we should be robust and flourishing, we are still a bit wilty and droopy.

I try to allow myself the tears as needed, and I lean into healing practices.

We all willingly quote and cling to Romans 8:28-29. All things work together for good. All things for God's glory. All things to conform us to the image of Christ.

People ARE being changed. We need to realize that this is often a radical conforming process. It is excruciating. It takes time to process the ways we've been changed. The actual change and the conduit of the change.

Even though someone may seem healed on the surface, they often deal with the scars and stretch marks for years. Time passes and does heal, but there is not formulaic time period that heals all ills for all people.

Thus we need to listen, and weep, to lean in, and be leaned upon. Whenever and wherever. For however long it takes for that healing to be complete. For the person to become vibrant, robust, strong and flourishing again.

Like my tomato plants.