12 Things I've Learned in 12 Years of Marriage

*Formerly titled "13 Things I've Learned in 13 Years of Marriage" except that I remembered I've only been married 12 years...

We celebrated our 12th anniversary yesterday. I can't believe I have already been married for a dozen years. That is 1/3 of my life! Sometimes I still get the "pinch me, I must be dreaming" feeling.

God brought this wonderful man into my life 17 years ago. We started courting in 2000, and got married in 2001. It has been a wonderful 12 years. Sometimes it has been rough and hard. But what good thing in life comes easy? Nothing. You must work for the good things. You must persist. You must keep going on-even when the going gets tough.

I am blessed to have married my best friend, my partner, my lover. He still makes me laugh, and he still brings me coffee every morning.

Here are my tidbits of wisdom from 12 years. Surprisingly enough, several of them are things that other wise and long-married couples told us....

13-if I'd been married 13 years, this is what I'd have told you...buy the good vacuum. Or register for it. Because your Hoover is not your mom's Hoover, if you get my drift. So, you end up paying the equivalent of a good vacuum anyway.

12-Don't go to bed angry. So, this is Biblical. And it is very pertinent for marriage. If I go to bed angry, I sleep angry, wake up angry, start my day angry, and still have to face the problem at some point the next day. May as well resolve your issues the night before.

11-It's the small things that make the big difference on a daily basis. Be it small irritations or small acts of love. I said that Mr. Hippie brings me my first cup of coffee every morning-whether he brings it to me in bed or in my rocking chair-he mixes in cocoa with the coffee and heats it to perfection Every day. A small thing, but it starts my day off perfectly. Small things like folding clothes right side out, or polishing shoes, or buying peanut butter cups. They make the world go round-or they bring it to a screeching halt if you let them.

10-Marriage is work. It takes cultivation, like orchids. It takes focus and determination to make it work. But marriage is also fun. Laughing together. Playing together. Dating. Hanging out with your bff. Oh yes! It is fun.

9-Praying with your spouse is a very vulnerable and powerful thing. There have been times when we are desperate-at the end of our ropes-and we get down on our knees and pray together. Literally crying before the throne of grace. That is a vulnerable place to be. Sharing your heart of heart with God, who knows anyway, and your spouse, who maybe doesn't. It cements you together like nothing else.

8-Road trips are for talking. We go road trippin' several times a year just to talk. We share our dreams. We discuss our history. It is fun. And our kids get to hear our stories too.

7-Money is key in marriage. Not just having or not. How it is or isn't spent. Money can be a great source of stress. Being unified and having the same outlook and goals in the area of money will help your marriage tick along better. We set savings goals in our first year of marriage. We determined together how to pay ourselves. We pray together about giving. We discuss major purchases. We keep an open dialogue about our finances.

6- Marriage is a series of compromises. Not bad compromises. It is giving and giving again on your own preferences for the good of the other or of the relationship. I am a morning person and Mr. Hippie is a night owl. He often gets up early for me. And I try to stay up late at least 1-2 nights a week for him. (preferably not the night before an early morning)

5-Marriage is a partnership. Mr. Hippie and I are partners in life. It really bugs me that unmarried couples often refer to the person they're with as their partner. I feel like it has lowered the word partner. But, the fact of the matter is, Mr. Hippie and I are partners. In just about everything. From running to swimming to racing to biking-we are partners. We are partners in business. We are partners in ministry. We are partners in parenting. We are partners in life. Our world got rocked this year-by good and bad things. It pulled us together, stronger than before.

that belly is the reason people keep asking me if I am pregnant. I'm not.

4-The merits of in-laws become much more apparent the longer the relationship goes on. I am so thankful for my in-laws now. Parents and siblings. What a blessing!

3-Like a bottle of wine, s*x also improves with time (and practice). It gets richer and better. It just does.

2-Marriage changes you. It has made me softer and more flexible. It has helped me be less black and white and more forgiving. It has made Mr. Hippie more rigid and on time. We have grown up together. In marriage you learn to share someone else's dreams. Your dreams no longer just involve you, but they involve your spouse.

1-A marriage built on Christ is God glorifying. It shows the world a small glimpse of how Christ loves His people, the church. It shows the world the way that Christians serve their Lord. It is a picture. Not the actual work of art, but a picture of it.

What have you learned being married? How has marriage grown and changed you?

Unable to Commit

Long, long ago, in a faraway place...

This week's home school connection question deals with whether or not we are in homeschool groups.

I am not.

But I was.

And here is the story:

When I was a mother of three, but not four, and the offspring were quite a bit younger, we were part of a home schooling group. About 50% were cousins, and the other 50% were random home schoolers. (we picked them up off the street, you know?)

Our goal was to meet once a month, and study a topic corresponding with a letter of the alphabet. We started with airplanes for A, which included a visit to a private air strip, and a ride in a private plane. Churning butter was the activity for B. We toured a cheese farm for C, and a fire station for F, and ink factory for I and a radish farm for something.

It was great fun, and it was interesting. It was wonderful to just spend time together too. We learned new things, and all had a good time.

There was just one continual issue-no commitment. No one was willing to say, "I will be at our group meeting every time unless there is a major catastrophe in my life."

We aimed to hold our field trips on a regular day of the month, generally the second Thursday. But no matter what the day, we could not get hardly anyone to commit to coming, more than a day or two in advance. There was no concept of, "I can't do that other thing on this date, because I already have plans-i.e. the field trip." Which is rather a problem when you need a head count for rates and such.

I am really not sure what the hold up was.

I wonder if this lack of commitment is a hallmark of my generation, or of this day and age. But I don't think it is a good trend. Not for young people, or Christians, adults or home schoolers.

It is not polite to refuse to commit to something because some better offer may come down the pike. And, sometimes being an adult means saying, "I'm sorry, I have a previous standing Tuesday engagement. I can't do _____." Commitment means giving your word and sticking by it, even if sacrifices are involved.

Time is a precious commodity-for all of us. I am willing to make a regular commitment, and to stand committed to it. I do it for many other areas of life: Bible study, dinner with the BFF, dates with Mr. Hippie, Bible club, church, etc.. Sickness, death and being out of town are the only things that get me out of commitments.

So, for ill or nil, our home school group petered out well before Z. It was too hard to organize something and wonder if anyone would show up. I figured I could take my own kids to museums and such by ourselves with a whole lot less fuss.

But also a whole lot less community and support and practical friendship.

I haven't been involved in a group since.

I am not opposed to home school groups, whether with a formal field trip planned or simply as a time to informally hang out. I would love to have a time to learn together or just hang out and chat as moms together. My heart and soul needs that.

But I also need people to be committed to coming. If they aren't, I may as well plan on staying home. It's easier. Some may call it cynical, I call it practical. And kind of sad.

What has been your experience with home school groups? Was it better than mine? How do you foster commitment in your group? I'd love to hear some good ideas.


For much more positive outlooks at home school groups, check out
Chareen
Hwee
Julie
Erin
Nicole
Savannah
Lucinda