I've been having "spells"-for lack of a clearer term.
I will be in a conversation about my mom and her ALS, and I start shaking. All over. Uncontrollably. It's like I'm all of a sudden freezing cold. My teeth chatter. My heart races.
I hunch my shoulders. I wrap up in warm sweaters and blankets. I drink hot coffee or tea to get something warm flowing through me.
(I also get rather weepy too. Sigh...)
I feel so very vulnerable.
I feel like the smallest other hiccup in life could be my complete unravelling.
Things like car exhaust issues. Or no IRS forms at the local office, so having to order them online-and hoping they get in before the 31st. Or (someone-not me, but married to me) losing a bank statement and me frantically trying to find all the specific payroll information in other places. Or the husband doing a humongous commercial job, which requires special forms for billing-which we hope we filled out and submitted properly, so we can get paid next month. Or a letter from the State which requires attention within the next 10 days, or else.
I'm feeling like I'm a hair's breath from the edge of the precipice of losing it.
After apologizing to Mr. Hippie for a rather dramatic meltdown yesterday over a rather ridiculous issue, I realized that something has got to give. I've got to change the way I'm handling the stress/anxiety of my mom's ALS-coupled with everything else.
I thought of this verse this morning...
Let the peace of Christ rule in your heart(s). (Colossians 3:15)
To let means to allow. To permit. To give opportunity.
God's peace is there, it's available, but am I allowing it to rule? I guess we all know the answer to that...
To not obstruct. Not get in the way.
Not do-just LET.
This morning at church I spent time meditating between that verse and this hymn...
Peace, perfect peace, in this dark world of sin? The blood of Jesus whispers peace within.
(that's peace with God and the peace of God.)
Peace, perfect peace, by thronging duties pressed. To do the will of Jesus, this is rest.
(stress, paperwork, taxes, life-all thronging duties)
Peace, perfect peace, with sorrow surging round? On Jesus' bosom naught but calm is found.
(that gut wrenching sorrow of losing my MOM)
Peace, perfect peace, with loved ones far away? In Jesus' keeping we are safe and they.
(my mom is 1200 miles away, how am I going to know when I need to be there?)
Peace, perfect peace, our future all unknown? Jesus we know, and He is on the throne.
(a major factor of ALS is the certainty of death but the uncertainty of the timetable and journey.)
This morning, God met me where I was, where my heart was bleeding. His answer was let peace.
Let peace rule. Let the Prince of Peace rule. Let the One who knows all things and rules over all things, rule in my (in comparison) insignificant life issues.
Let peace, perfect peace...
